It's taken a long time for me to get here.
On some level I have always trusted my body, but recently I found solace? Is that the right word?
I have come to completely trust my body in that it knows what it's doing.
A very close friend of mine is a doula and while she and I have major fundamental differences in our opinions of things, we can respect those differences and we can learn from one another.
I think she very much pushed me to where I am. It wasn't her intention, I'm sure of that, but she did push me here.
She recently helped a mother give birth to a child with anecephily.
Those of you who don't know, it's a neural tube defect that has a high mortality rate. Only 75% of babies that live to term live threw birth, and of those 75%, I believe the number is 50% live up to one day. Normally they pass on by the tenth day of life.
I can't imagine having a relationship with a child. Bonding with that child only to know that at some point that child will leave. Will die.
This brings me back to trusting birth.
I'm in the process of loosing my eleventh child. As horrific as this is, I trust my body knows what it's doing. I trust my body, I know that something isn't right on a cellular level. I TRUST my body to miscarriage if something isn't right.
Do I want more children? Yes, fuck. Yes. Have I been tested? Yes. Have I played the game? Yes. But I'm trusting my body here. I trust my body because I know it works. I know I have enough progesterone for a healthy pregnancy. I know I produce enough of it.
I know I can carry to term. I KNOW these things. I KNOW my body works. It is at this point EGG or SPERM quality.
There is something wrong with my eggs or my husbands sperm. We need genetic testing to find out more, but I KNOW there is an issue. I TRUST my body to terminate a pregnancy that isn't right! Things didn't line up correctly. My egg wasn't mature enough. What EVER the reason, it didn't work.
This is how I have found solace.
This is how I have come to trust my body. Is this the case for everyone? No. There are women out there with PCOS who have a luteal phase defect and they NEED progesterone. I have a friend who is currently pregnant because she FOUGHT for her baby to stay with her.
No amount of progesterone is going to make my eggs or my husbands sperm better (again I don't know which.) All it would do is sustain the pregnancy. The zygote would get as far as it could get, then it would stop evolving. Organizing. Becoming. And I would have false sense of . . .hope. Progesterone doesn't make one pregnant or help a developing babe. It keeps you from bleeding.
So I trust my body. I trust that it knows that something isn't working right. I have the blood results to show that it produces enough progesterone. This is a deeper issue and I trust my body.
I'm sure in a week or so, I'll be upset. I'll be angry. I'll be hurt that shitty people can get pregnant and keep that pregnancy . . .they hurt their babies. . .they hate their children for ruining their lives. . . .and I'm struggling.
But then I will remember that my body knows what it's doing.