Saturday, June 18, 2011


So life after the deletion has been interesting. I was contacted by the TODAY show, yes the TODAY show, to come on and be interviewed about the whole patriarchal facebookiness. 

It fell threw, I don't know if they will contact me again, but hey. Talking with the Today show and knowing they were talking to a producer about me. . .that's enough to have me quaking in my boots. 

After that excitement I have really been enjoying our quiet life routine. We are a single car family (for the time being) and it works for us for the time being. Hopefully we'll have a car soon so we can get out and do things, but we've been enjoying all day naked time (him not me!) and panting and such. It's been a great summer so far. 

Now the thing that has been weighing heavily on me. 

I'm pregnant again. 

Stop, don't react. 

Thank you. 

I'm not excited. I can't be. I can't possibly be. I know many people would read that and be shocked. They wouldn't understand. 

This is my ELEVENTH pregnancy. I have one surviving child. Go on and let that sink in. Yes, I am the Michelle Duggar of miscarriage. So it's very hard for me to relax and enjoy or even bond with this pregnancy. I normally never make it past six weeks, I'm almost five weeks pregnant, I tripped a pregnancy test last night, and we used FAM to get pregnant. I can't encourage enough the awesomeness of FAM. And what's nice is there are APS for that. It's so nice. 

To learn more about FAM:

So, I'm kinda keeping this on the down low. Yeah, Facebook knows so how is that 'down low' . .. well, I'm not talking about it. I'm not getting excited for HBAC or shopping around for midwives, I've done that. I know where they are. And if they have openings when we're further on, I'll think about letting my defenses down. 

Hubs and I talked about this today when we were on our way to the market. It's so hard letting yourself believe. It's so hard to say 'yeah, I'm pregnant.' when I may not be in a week. It's so hard to enjoy every second when . . .I could have it ripped away from us in a heartbeat. 

And those of you who don't know, I have been tested for everything under the sun and we are more then likely going to have genetic testing done next. So, yes. I've looked into it or have been tested for it. 

Sorry if that's blunt. But, honestly, it chaps my ass when people ask if I've been tested after NINE miscarriages. I know many are good natured and they are just trying to help. . .but it's a little insulting to me. I guess because I'm such a logical person (at times, I have moments of clarity) logically. . .WHO WOULDN'T get that checked out??? So yeah, THAT's my thought process. I own it. 

But I have been tested for everything but genetic, and we'd like to get hubs tested just for my sanity, because the IVF place we went were just horrible assholes. 

Maybe I'll write about that later. But for now, I just wish the earth aligned and I have a sticky bean. 


  1. Lynn I so understand where your coming from. I remember with each of mine saying to myself " don't jump for joy yet ". I still get upset when a person announces their pregnancy right after reading a test and being all excited. I'm always so jealous that I have to hide why I am sick and why I can't do this or that for three months until I know that everything will be ok. And even then having that uncertainity that something could still be wrong. Most people try to understand but unless they gone through many losts they just don't period. And what is testing going to tell you I know what's wrong with me and it still doesn't help am still going have miscarriages and that uncertainty with each pregnancy no matter. All it has done for me is make the doctor look at each pregnancy with caution and not a celebration ( we save that for month five!).
    Thanks for doing this and giving me a place to rant! <3 Nicole