Fear

From Wikipedia: Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as painor the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger and flee from it or fight, also known as the Fight or Flight response. Some psychologists such as John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekmanhave suggested that fear belongs to a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. Worth noting is that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable. Fear could also be an instant reaction to something presently happening.




Fear is a scary thing. It's a motivator, a way to control or manipulate. People used fear on me during my last pregnancy. I was told I had to have tons of ultrasounds, birth in a hospital. . .many things that I'm not okay with today. Things, I wasn't really comfortable with yesterday. 


Hunter was a twin. We lost his sister in the first trimester. He had a single artery cord, with that comes some complications. They were concerned that he could have a hole in his heart. So, we had an echocardiagram. All these tests before we even met him. 


Thankfully my beautiful boy is healthy and fine. But I've had my trouble. One of the symptoms of untreated celiac disease is recurrent miscarriage. So many women have issues staying pregnant and they're told 'sometimes these things happen.' 


So I'm controlling my celiac but that doesn't mean I have lost the fear. Any woman who has lost one baby, two babies, seven babies, is going to be paranoid. 


Hello, I'm paranoid. 


I constantly wonder: 
Did I tell people too soon? 
What if I loose this one?
Is that a cramp or a growing pain? 


And every time I go to the bathroom. . . .it's almost in dread. . .but every time I look at the tissue as if I expect it to be tinged red. 


I'm very much one with my duality. I am very positive that everything will be fine with this pregnancy. That Gift will come earthside in this amazingly healing birth and (although I'm a little sad to admit) I'll do a happy dance and say 'nyah nyah' to all the naysayers. 


But there is part of me that thinks. That buys into the fear. That worries that I'm on borrowed time. In all honesty, I'll breathe a huge sigh of relief at eight weeks.  I always lost at six weeks. The longest I made it was 10 weeks and I was on clomid and I still lost a heart beat. 


So, say a little prayer for me, or light a candle or fart a rainbow, whatever. 


It's not like I can do anything different, what will be will be. . .I guess I just want to know the spotting I had. . .was just that. 


spotting. 


Gotta love the fear. 

Interviews

So, we've made our decision. We're homebirthing this baby. After the horrific birth we had with our Hunter, Hubs and I are just not comfortable birthing Gift at home.

Gift is what we are calling this baby as it was a complete surprise and we found out on Hubs' birthday!

I interviewed a midwife earlier this week, and we're going to have a sit down with her in the near future. We're also going to interview another midwifery practice as well. I'm leaning towards the first midwife as she's hands off, which is what we want.

The only thing I'm having issues with is she doesn't have a back up OB. So that would be on me to find one. I have issue with lying to doctors. I'm pretty blunt and I'm pretty honest. So now I'm faced with, do I go to the trouble of interviewing an OB and saying 'yeah I'm going for an HBAC!' or do I lie and let them believe that I'm going to birth with THEM in a *gasp* hospital. I guess I'm just not comfortable lying to anyone. If you have issue with what I'm doing, guess what? It's not your choice. It's OURS.

Respect it or step off. Those are your choices.

My parents are very uncomfortable with us birthing at home, which I understand. So I'm sitting my Mother down to watch The Business of Being Born. Hopefully she will see my issues with the medical profession, more accurately OB's.

I think OB's have a place in our life. I do. However, they are over used. They are surgeons. If you want a surgical birth, go to them. I DO NOT want a surgical birth so I'm going to a midwife. It's really that simple.

Then I have people ask me about my miscarriages. "Is it SAFE!?"

Why wouldn't it be? If I lost those babies, there was something WRONG. Doesn't mean I didn't love them or want them. Doesn't mean I didn't mourn them, but there was something WRONG. There isn't anything wrong with me!

So, yeah. Interviews.

I'm also trying to decide if I want a doula (along with the midwife) and who I would want as that doula. I know TWO people on the earth I'd FLY OUT to DOULA for me, mostly because I know them and we just click. But I don't know if that's financially effective, for them or us. And they should know who they are. What I'd be looking for is someone who gets our sense of humor, is really knowledgeable in VBAC/HBAC/UBAC and has a soft spoken and comforting positive side to them. I KNOW I'm going to get to the point where I might say 'I can't do this!' And I'm saying it here and NOW! I NEED TO DO THIS. I CAN do this. And I need people around me to support me in that. Support Hubs in that.

So, basically that's where we are. Trying to sort everything out and keep sane.

Yes, you can be fluffy and crunchy with teeth.

Heyo. Hi. Welcome.

So, I'm pregnant. This is awesome and scary for me at the same time. You see, I've had many pregnancies and lost many babies. I found out this was due to an undiagnosed case of Ciliac Disease.  You have no idea how depressed this fat girl was when she found out she could no longer enjoy bread. But you know what? I don't really miss it. But that's a whole different post. This is a 'hey there, you should expect this. . .' kinda post.

Right. Expect nothing. Nothing is taboo with me. I shit you not.

Well, I won't post photos of my vagina. So don't ask. Well, I might. But there will be somethin' shooting out of it.

A baby.

My first son, we'll call him Hunter, was born via an unnessarian. It was horrific and I have a scorching case of PTSD from it. I've been going to therapy for almost 7 months. I'm doing well, but I still have a lot of anger from it.

So as a big 'Fuck You' to the people who did this to me, I'm planning an HBAC!

Please, do NOT get me wrong. This is for us. This is what I want. What our family wants. It's just icing on the gluten free cake to prove assholes wrong. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Anywho, I've been married for six years to an awesome man who supports me. But more importantly, he gets me.  Maybe sometime I'll share my birth story here, maybe I can get him to share as well. But I whole heartedly think that one of the reasons I was talked into a section is. . . drum roll please. . .I'm fat. I get it. There is a stigmata with being 'large' and I'm trying to be comfortable in my skin.

Regardless of my size. I'm having an HBAC.

There is no doubt in my mind.

So, welcome. Creep, be public, I don't care. . . just enjoy the ride.