Monday, June 27, 2011

I Hate These Nights. . . .

I really do.

We still nurse to sleep and Liam is off schedule. It took me two hours to nurse him down. Normally it takes MAX 20 minutes.

This was our 'dance.'

Lay toddler down
Toddler turns away to get up
Lay toddler down, offer breast.
Toddler doesn't see breast, turns away to get up
Lay toddler down offer breast.
toddler nurses.
Toddler pulls off breast and pulls down shirt on other side.
Toddler switches sides and nurses.
Toddler pulls off and goes back to first breast.
Toddler then begins tweaking opposite nipple
Slip nipple back into shirt while toddler is still nursing
Toddler pulls open shirt and wants that nipple.

Lather, rinse, repeat for TWO FUCKING HOURS.

And I'm sick.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Live And Let Live

So yesterday we took Liam in to be checked out. He's been feeling poorly for a few days, mild fever, etc. Friday night (into Saturday) was a nightmare. He was up every two hours screaming his head off, probably because of the congestion. He bit me four times while trying to nurse. It wasn't a vicious bite, just enough to upset me. I can only gather that he was nursing and couldn't breathe threw his nose so he held the nipple with his teeth and inhaled and . . .whala.

It was so bad that Lou called then on call Doctor. On call said it was probably just eczema and he'll be fine. I laughed when Lou told me that. I knew it was viral, and you can't do anything for viral. Lou still made an appointment and we went in.

We got there about 10 minutes early, there was one family in front of us. Being that sick visits only happen on Saturdays we kept Liam out of the waiting room. The family in front of us checked in and then we did. Then three other families came in.

We waited. And waited. And waited.

After all the OTHER families were brought back, I asked them if the sickest kids were called first. She got a little defensive and said 'no, in order you came, you're next.' I pointed out to her that we were the second family to arrive and the manner I was checked in and she looked upset. They SHOULD of taken you back already! Well, they didn't. So we waited more.

I started reading the message boards. They said how 'safe' vaccines were, helmets for bike riding, and then I read their 'stance' on car seats. The notice was so riddled with typos that I uploaded it to facebook for people to see.

Sadly, parents look to them for advise in this manner. If it wasn't for the Doctor we love, we would probably leave here too.

Finally we were called back just as I was about to nurse Liam. The lady at the desk asked if we wanted a 'private' area to do that. I laughed and said no. There was a family with an infant coming out and the mother had a big armful of formula samples. The infant was screaming. Daddy was swinging it around trying to calm the babe down in the bucket seat. The mom glared at me as I happily asked Liam to nurse.

We walked back to a room and the FEELING of the place was disturbing to me. Normally I feel fine going to this practice but the air felt . . .heavy.

I pushed off the feeling and we waited in the room.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

Liam played with the lights. With the table, under the table, with the chairs, with books, and then he had it. So then we walked the halls. They didn't seem very busy. There were more people there (working or socializing) then patients. There were kids in a room watching TV and playing video games, I gathered they were the nurses kids? I'm not sure. There was also a woman there in plain clothes carrying around her baby. The baby was drinking cows milk from a package. She looked MAYBE a year old and had her ears pierced.

There was one other family in the room and I could hear the little boy screaming. I felt like I was in some. . .disturbing hospital video.

Finally the Doctor came in, after over an hour of us waiting. And she went right to it. Didn't talk to Liam, didn't introduce herself to Liam she just said 'Mom, hold him while I check him out.'

It happened so fast.

I tried to ask her to slow down, to show him what she was doing, and she just kept doing it. I thought maybe because he was on my lap, so I asked if we could do it on the table. Normally our doctor shows him the stethescope and talks to him, this doctor didn't even ADDRESS my son. I was furious. He was so distressed. Then she wanted me to restrain him so she could get a throat culture. She didn't let him calm down she just kept on with her . . ..poor treatment of him. I didn't know if I should yell at her or just do it so it would just be over with.

After the throat culture, she left. And I kept trying to soothe Liam but he wanted Daddy. Daddy didn't hold him down. Daddy didn't let this woman scare him.

I felt like shit. I still do. I gave in and let some dumb fucktard touch my child.

I know I need to learn from it. But I need to forgive myself first.

We're trying to decide how to complain to the office about her treatment.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


So Liam has had a rash since Thursday.  It's really quite fine and raised, but it's everywhere. I wasn't really overly concerned until last night. More symptoms presented (or became more frequent) like a cough and runny nose and he was MISERABLE last night. We slept some sitting upright in the chair, he slept on Daddy, propped up in two boppys, it was insane. And it wasn't the whiney cry, he was shreaking for a bit there.

I buckled and gave him ibupropen, we have dye free, and he seemed slightly better after it, but he was still just unable to get comfortable and settle down. It sucked.

So, Lou called the on call about 6am and talked with the on call doctor. They suggested it was probably excema. Yes, you read that right. Lou told me that and I was beyond pissed off. I laughed a little as well. I got mad because the physician tried to just brush him off. Sitting back, I understand it to an extent. They probably get calls all day from parents wanting their children put on THIS medication or THAT medication. And we really try to avoid medications. The only reason we're taking him in is to make sure things are okay. He's okay and the rash isn't anything to be concerned about.

Logically, he's fine. He is wetting and pooing fine. He's not dehydrated.

Illogically, we just past a year out from CHOP. Liam had a rash just before being admitted to CHOP and it could be I'm being overly protective of him because of that. I know the two instances aren't related, but yeah. That's how I roll. Deal.

So we're off to the doctors today at 1:20. Of course because it's not our regular doctor I'm putting on armor and 'mama bear' brain. I watch unfamiliar doctors like a hawk with my son.

I know Lou wants us to go in because last night sucked so bad, but honestly. . ..those nights sometimes just happen.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


So, for the last three weeks I've been experiencing 'phantom smells.' Many people attributed that to pregnancy symptoms, but I've never experienced something like this before.

the best way to describe it is: In absence of real smell I smell smoke.

So I went to our GP today to be checked out and get a referral. I know I blew my physicians head, the PA who talked to me first told him I wanted three referals. I said, that I was going to end up with either a referral to an ENT (Ear Nose and throat) or Neurology and I was asking for a referral to a geneticist.

They laughed at me at first when I asked for the referral to the geneticist, but when I explained everything it made sense to them.

He asked me why I wasn't asking my OB for this referral and I said because I don't have an OB at the moment. When he asked why, I said because I can't find one that I will ethically respect. "Explain." Then I blew his head about circumcision. He said some crap about it being the parents choice. And I fired back with 'it's the parents choice to preform cosmetic surgery?'

He didn't understand.

I don't care.

Then we went on and did a Neruo evaluation and ENT evaluation and talked about the best and worst case possibilities.

Best case, it's just a bad sinus infection (with no other symptoms) worst case it's a tumor. He didn't think it was a aneurysm because I wasn't really having any other symptoms. Fucking lovely thought that is.

So I left laughing about how hard I blew up my physicians mind, he called me forceful (Lou disagreed, Lou said you're informed and you challenge them, it's threatening to them to not be blindly followed. I love that man.)

So on the way home my mind logically went to the scary place. I'm a woman, I own it.

And I thought about what if it was a tumor. Benign? Malignant? Would I consent to chemo? Radiation? Surgery?

And I was.. ...calm.

I was scary calm. Then I started talking to Lou. I asked him if we could have the 'scary' talk. And he said yeah. So we did. I told him, I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid to leave them. And I started to cry. I started worrying about if I did have to do chemo, would Liam take to that? Would I have to forceably wean? Would it be worth it? Would I get sicker for just a few months? This is all hypothetical because, lets face it, I like to have control.

And we talked. and he said 'you'd want to just go to your happy place and enjoy the rest of your life.'

And he's right. I wouldn't want to be sick or poisoned or.. .. all that crap.

And then I laughed and told him that if I did die he had permission to change my facebook status to 'is dead.'

He laughed and said 'Oh, hell no. I'm having fun with that."

"is here! Hell is great!"

"I know I've said things about hell, but it's not that bad! It's a DRY heat!"

"DUDE!! They have strippers down here"

And we laughed. Hard.

I know many might take offence to this. But honestly, if I can't laugh about shit, I'll go nuts.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


It's taken a long time for me to get here.

On some level I have always trusted my body, but recently I found solace? Is that the right word?

I have come to completely trust my body in that it knows what it's doing.

A very close friend of mine is a doula and while she and I have major fundamental differences in our opinions of things, we can respect those differences and we can learn from one another.

I think she very much pushed me to where I am. It wasn't her intention, I'm sure of that, but she did push me here.

She recently helped a mother give birth to a child with anecephily. 

Those of you who don't know, it's a neural tube defect that has a high mortality rate. Only 75% of babies that live to term live threw birth, and of those 75%, I believe the number is 50% live up to one day. Normally they pass on by the tenth day of life.

I can't imagine having a relationship with a child. Bonding with that child only to know that at some point that child will leave. Will die.

This brings me back to trusting birth.

I'm in the process of loosing my eleventh child. As horrific as this is, I trust my body knows what it's doing. I trust my body, I know that something isn't right on a cellular level. I TRUST my body to miscarriage if something isn't right.

Do I want more children? Yes, fuck. Yes. Have I been tested? Yes. Have I played the game? Yes. But I'm trusting my body here. I trust my body because I know it works. I know I have enough progesterone for a healthy pregnancy. I know I produce enough of it.

I know I can carry to term. I KNOW these things. I KNOW my body works. It is at this point EGG or SPERM quality.

There is something wrong with my eggs or my husbands sperm. We need genetic testing to find out more, but I KNOW there is an issue. I TRUST my body to terminate a pregnancy that isn't right! Things didn't line up correctly. My egg wasn't mature enough. What EVER the reason, it didn't work.

This is how I have found solace.

This is how I have come to trust my body. Is this the case for everyone? No. There are women out there with PCOS who have a luteal phase defect and they NEED progesterone. I have a friend who is currently pregnant because she FOUGHT for her baby to stay with her.

No amount of progesterone is going to make my eggs or my husbands sperm better (again I don't know which.) All it would do is sustain the pregnancy. The zygote would get as far as it could get, then it would stop evolving. Organizing. Becoming. And I would have false sense of . . .hope. Progesterone doesn't make one pregnant or help a developing babe. It keeps you from bleeding.

So I trust my body. I trust that it knows that something isn't working right. I have the blood results to show that it produces enough progesterone. This is a deeper issue and I trust my body.

I'm sure in a week or so, I'll be upset. I'll be angry. I'll be hurt that shitty people can get pregnant and keep that pregnancy . . .they hurt their babies. . .they hate their children for ruining their lives. . . .and I'm struggling.

But then I will remember that my body knows what it's doing.

Fathers Day!

This year I have lots of fun things planned for Fathers day.

A year ago today we woke up not in our own bed, we were in CHOP. Children's Hospital Of Philadelphia. Our son was almost 5 months old and weighed 8lbs and 6oz. We had a horrible stay at CHOP. I watched nurses and Doctors like a hawk afraid that they would forcibly retract my son or give him an immunization.

It was a hard time in our lives, I spent most of the day in tears bawling that we were in CHOP and not home celebrating Lou's first fathers day when we worked SO hard and tried SO hard to get here.

Lou, being the awesome man he is, took it all in stride. We made the best of it and I couldn't love him more for it.

This year is different. Lou's currently at the Philadelphia Comic Convention. I SO wish I was there with him, but it would of cost money so even though we have two three day passes, I gave my pass to Lou's friend (who is also a dad) and they are having a blast down there. Mom for the win I suppose.

So when Lou does come home, we're making stepping stones as a family. Mixing clay and doing hand prints, painting them, all kinds of good stuff :)

Also for the last two weeks Liam and I have been finger painting, so Daddy now gets to choose THREE masterpieces and we're framing them for his office at work!

We might go to the park too!

But the coolest? We're making daddy's favorite for dinner! Home made (gluten free) PIzzas! Yum Yum!!

Suck it last years Fathers day. You're about to be stomped.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


So life after the deletion has been interesting. I was contacted by the TODAY show, yes the TODAY show, to come on and be interviewed about the whole patriarchal facebookiness. 

It fell threw, I don't know if they will contact me again, but hey. Talking with the Today show and knowing they were talking to a producer about me. . .that's enough to have me quaking in my boots. 

After that excitement I have really been enjoying our quiet life routine. We are a single car family (for the time being) and it works for us for the time being. Hopefully we'll have a car soon so we can get out and do things, but we've been enjoying all day naked time (him not me!) and panting and such. It's been a great summer so far. 

Now the thing that has been weighing heavily on me. 

I'm pregnant again. 

Stop, don't react. 

Thank you. 

I'm not excited. I can't be. I can't possibly be. I know many people would read that and be shocked. They wouldn't understand. 

This is my ELEVENTH pregnancy. I have one surviving child. Go on and let that sink in. Yes, I am the Michelle Duggar of miscarriage. So it's very hard for me to relax and enjoy or even bond with this pregnancy. I normally never make it past six weeks, I'm almost five weeks pregnant, I tripped a pregnancy test last night, and we used FAM to get pregnant. I can't encourage enough the awesomeness of FAM. And what's nice is there are APS for that. It's so nice. 

To learn more about FAM:

So, I'm kinda keeping this on the down low. Yeah, Facebook knows so how is that 'down low' . .. well, I'm not talking about it. I'm not getting excited for HBAC or shopping around for midwives, I've done that. I know where they are. And if they have openings when we're further on, I'll think about letting my defenses down. 

Hubs and I talked about this today when we were on our way to the market. It's so hard letting yourself believe. It's so hard to say 'yeah, I'm pregnant.' when I may not be in a week. It's so hard to enjoy every second when . . .I could have it ripped away from us in a heartbeat. 

And those of you who don't know, I have been tested for everything under the sun and we are more then likely going to have genetic testing done next. So, yes. I've looked into it or have been tested for it. 

Sorry if that's blunt. But, honestly, it chaps my ass when people ask if I've been tested after NINE miscarriages. I know many are good natured and they are just trying to help. . .but it's a little insulting to me. I guess because I'm such a logical person (at times, I have moments of clarity) logically. . .WHO WOULDN'T get that checked out??? So yeah, THAT's my thought process. I own it. 

But I have been tested for everything but genetic, and we'd like to get hubs tested just for my sanity, because the IVF place we went were just horrible assholes. 

Maybe I'll write about that later. But for now, I just wish the earth aligned and I have a sticky bean. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Life or something like it. . . ..

Wow. Words can not express the love and support I feel right now. It''s astounding. The article has some nasty comments on it, but to be honest, I laughed them off.

I'm not going to let perfect strangers make me feel bad about me. I KNOW I'm a good person. I know I have good in my heart. I refuse to give them the permission to make me feel inferior.

Today we spent a good part of it outside in the sun. Liam, I'm giving up on calling him 'hunter' as everyone knows who I am now on facebook, had his first taste of watermelon and BOY did he love it! He's currently napping and still has watermelon on his mush. So adorable.

For father's day, we're painting. Or attempting to. Liam isn't keen on paint. So I'm going to try yogurt and food coloring on paper. Lets see if that works. At the moment we're using non toxic paint and while it's cute, he's just not into it.

So painting consists of me plopping Liam IN the paint and him getting up and toddling off to do something more interesting. So most of the works of art consist of a butt print and footprints.

Quite adorable if you ask me. The goal is to frame the paintings for Daddy's office.

Lou's first father's day sucked. That is reality. We spent that whole weekend (and part of the following week) in CHOP being worked up for FTT. So I REALLY want to make this fathers day something to remember!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


So, about 24 hours after I was removed, I was reinstated.

I can't even tell you how awesome that was. I literally screamed and blasted Eminem.

"Guess whos back? Back again. . .Lynnie's back    . . . . .tell a friend...."

Yes, I was that happy.

I got conflicting answers from facebook, totally not confused by it to be honest. Although, I SHOULD be.

At 6pm I received this email:

Hi Lynn,

I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced. Your account was disabled in error. Your account has been reactivated and you will now be able to log in.

Thanks for contacting Facebook,

User Operations

I was BOUNCING off the walls. I signed into facbook and I was hit with this:

One of Your Photos Was Removed

One of your photos was recently removed because it was found to violate Facebook policies. As a reminder, the following types of photos are not permitted:

* Content that is pornographic or contains nudity, or is inappropriately sexual
* Attacks on an individual or a group of people
* Depictions of self harm, excessive violence or drug use

Please keep this in mind before uploading new photos.
[ ] I understand I should not upload photos that violate Facebook’s policies.

I tried to access my account without clicking that, but I couldn't. So I bit the bullet and checked it. Here's the thing. I didn't VIOLATE anything. I posted a photo of me where I can HARDLY be seen. 

So I sat and thought about it, I mean,, I'm happy to be back.  But what about those women who fear this on a daily basis. What about them? This isn't fair. Not at all. 

A friend of mine mention that a class action suit or something would get them to listen. But I don't even know where to begin. How to go about doing that. Anything! 

I guess what I'm saying is, I want to DO something, but quite honestly I'm not sure what I can do. I know there are women who are back after being deleted. I know there are women out there that have NEVER been back. . . ..

And facebook, while they may or may not be directly responsible for this, is encouraging this behavior. 

Lets look at what logically could be happening here.

Option 1:
There are a group of people (or a singular person) organizing this . . . .attack on nursing mothers and peaceful parents. Someone in this group gets a hold of a photo, sends it around to be flagged in a matter of hours that person would be flagged and banned for multiple reports. 

Facebook gets those multiple reports and without reviewing the ip's or the offensive picture/person/saying they ban the person who the reports are against. 

There is ONE person on everyones friends list who reports ONE thing. 

Facebook gets that ONE report and someone sees it. That person thinks breastfeeding is obscene and they remove the person for violating the tos. 

Option 3: 
There is a bot that goes around looking for photos with certain tag words. Those bots just remove photos and people without prejudice. 

Option 4: 
We all took the red pill, it doesn't matter. 

In all the options, facebook is encouraging this behavior.. . .. well with the exception of the red pill, we made that decision . . .or the Wachowski Brothers made it for us. 

What was my point? OH! Right. Facebook is reinforcing the behavior of these people (because I really think what is happening is more of a collective effort by some very unhappy people) by doing what they want. 

What's the saying? "Give a mouse a piece of cookie and they'll ask for some milk?"

What facebook needs to do is stick to it's policy. As long as there is no nipple showing it's fine. I honestly don't care that there are pictures of women on facebook scantily clad. What bothers me is that nursing women are held to a different standard then those photos. 

If those scantily clad women are following the photo guidelines, I'm fine with it. But don't hold me and other nursing mothers to a different standard. 

That's what pisses me off. 

Monday, June 6, 2011


Today I was interviewed for the Philadelphia Inquirer. The reporter was all kinds of awesome (she drove a hybrid and her kids were in britax boosters!!!)

We talked about things, what happened, why I think it happened and so forth.

I had a great time with her, she was way cool and I learned things too!! I had a limited idea where 'facebook' came from but I had no idea that it was a sexual tool for nerds.

She explained to me that they had photos of the girls and rated them on hotness! No WONDER they have such issue with breastfeeding.

I've read that some men see their wives differently after childbirth and nursing. So, I guess this makes sense to me too.

I'd like to also point out, I don't think this was a one off report. I honestly and truly believe that there is a group of people out there that flag things. Pages. People. Photos. For what ever reason, I believe they do this. IT has to be that. I haven't had massive amounts of flags. I haven't been warned for photos before!

This is just insane to me!

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Wow, I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start with my day today. We took our son to Smith Memorial Playground.  On the way I was posting from my phone. I had posted some photos from our garden, including some very mouthwatering pictures of our strawberries. We were listening to Freebird.

I got a warning from Facebook telling me a photo I uploaded had violated the terms of service (or use) and it was flagged inappropriate and removed. I chuckled. I knew what photo it was. It's this one. I had shared it on the wall of another mama to be used in this article.

I have NO doubt that is the photo that did this.

On our way home my phone was silent. Which is unusual for me. I get notifications when people reply to me, or message me, or post on my wall, and I got nothing. I also remember checking my live feed and it wasn't updating.

After the park we headed to the Market and did some shopping and came home. I updated my status to: "Mango Salsa Chicken!" as it was what I was cooking for dinner. It never posted. Then I got a text message from a friend and I jumped on to confirm what her message said. . .My facebook had been deleted.


I mean, I know this kind of thing happens to people all the time, but to me? I'm not anyone major, I'm just . .. me. Sarcastic and fiercely loyal me.

My husband, the ever optimistic person he is, said it had to be a glitch. So I went to facebook and signed in. . and I was told my account had been suspended.

I laughed.

No, I'm serious. I laughed. I'm not sure what exactly I laughed about. . .the absurdity of it all . . .maybe.

I'll expand on that:

I find it absurd that someone or a group of people flagged that photo enough to have me suspended. I find it absurd that people are SO threatened by a photo of a breastfeeding mother that they have to go to those lengths. I feel sad for them, I really and truly do. That they have nothing better to do then flag photos, groups, people. . .

A dear friend, Guggie Daily made a page on facebook to reinstate me. I don't know WHAT this page will accomplish, but the act in it of it's self brought tears to my eyes. Then, the flood of support. People wrote really awesome things on that wall and I just bawled. So, thank you.

I contacted the woman who interviewed me for a milksharing story back in November. I don't know if she would be interested, but since she did a milksharing story, I figured. . .hey. . .couldn't hurt you know?

The main thing is. . .breastfeeding isn't obscene. I understand there are women who can't breastfeed, there are women who choose not to breastfeed and there are people who think it's just wrong or disgusting. While I don't agree with those opinions, I respect their rights to have them. (to be perfectly clear, those opinions are wrong!)

So here I am. I've played some Left 4 Dead and I made some rockin' gluten free banana bread. I had awesome mango salsa chicken for dinner and I had an awesome night with my family!

I'm not mad. I'm shocked! I'm laughing. I am frustrated at the opinions of some, for sure! But, I have to keep telling myself: "they think this because of something that happened to them." So. . .I pity them.

I'll be updating my blog lots! So. . we go! Lets see if Facebook reinstates me, eh?