Fear

From Wikipedia: Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as painor the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger and flee from it or fight, also known as the Fight or Flight response. Some psychologists such as John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekmanhave suggested that fear belongs to a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. Worth noting is that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable. Fear could also be an instant reaction to something presently happening.




Fear is a scary thing. It's a motivator, a way to control or manipulate. People used fear on me during my last pregnancy. I was told I had to have tons of ultrasounds, birth in a hospital. . .many things that I'm not okay with today. Things, I wasn't really comfortable with yesterday. 


Hunter was a twin. We lost his sister in the first trimester. He had a single artery cord, with that comes some complications. They were concerned that he could have a hole in his heart. So, we had an echocardiagram. All these tests before we even met him. 


Thankfully my beautiful boy is healthy and fine. But I've had my trouble. One of the symptoms of untreated celiac disease is recurrent miscarriage. So many women have issues staying pregnant and they're told 'sometimes these things happen.' 


So I'm controlling my celiac but that doesn't mean I have lost the fear. Any woman who has lost one baby, two babies, seven babies, is going to be paranoid. 


Hello, I'm paranoid. 


I constantly wonder: 
Did I tell people too soon? 
What if I loose this one?
Is that a cramp or a growing pain? 


And every time I go to the bathroom. . . .it's almost in dread. . .but every time I look at the tissue as if I expect it to be tinged red. 


I'm very much one with my duality. I am very positive that everything will be fine with this pregnancy. That Gift will come earthside in this amazingly healing birth and (although I'm a little sad to admit) I'll do a happy dance and say 'nyah nyah' to all the naysayers. 


But there is part of me that thinks. That buys into the fear. That worries that I'm on borrowed time. In all honesty, I'll breathe a huge sigh of relief at eight weeks.  I always lost at six weeks. The longest I made it was 10 weeks and I was on clomid and I still lost a heart beat. 


So, say a little prayer for me, or light a candle or fart a rainbow, whatever. 


It's not like I can do anything different, what will be will be. . .I guess I just want to know the spotting I had. . .was just that. 


spotting. 


Gotta love the fear.