Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Indian Giver

Indian giver is an English expression used in North America, used to describe a person who gives a gift (literal or figurative) and later wants it back, or something equivalent in return.
It is unclear exactly how this expression came to be, but the consensus is that it is based on Native Americans having a distinctly different sense of property ownership as opposed to those of European ancestry. One theory holds that early European settlers in North America misinterpreted aid and goods they received from Native Americans as "gifts," when in fact they were intended to be offered in trade, as many tribes operated economically by some form of barter system, or a gift economy where reciprocal giving was practiced.

For those of you unable to read between the lines, I’m all but certain I’ve lost Gift. I’ll not be 100% until my next cycle, as I’m not going to the ER.


Almost a week ago I started spotting, and had light bleeding for two days. This bleeding wasn’t anything major. I never even had to wear a pad. I went to the bathroom, had some small clots, and never had any pain. As suddenly as the bleeding started, it stopped. I called my GP (General Practitioner) and asked for a script for a pelvic ultrasound and beta levels (that’s a blood test.) He said with my history of miscarriage, I had to go to the ER. Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t do ER. So I called my mother’s OB. I was told to go to the ER.

I don’t do ER.

I could make a whole other post about how the ER is for emergencies, but I won’t.

I took a few hpt’s and they’ve been negative. My mother tried, she really tried. “Maybe you’re losing the twin. Maybe you’re still pregnant.” If I did, I’d have a positive hpt.

So here I am trying to come to grips with uncertainty. And I know many people would tell me to go to the ER or go to a doctor. But why? I went over this in Therapy this past week. Why would I go to an OB? What could they possibly do? They can’t prevent a miscarriage. They can’t take it back. They can’t offer me answers or solace. And I know many of you would say ‘at least I’d know if I’m pregnant or not.’ That isn’t an answer. That’s another question.

If I am still pregnant, which I doubt I am, what then? The giant SUV we have won’t fit another carseat. We would have to sell it and get a different vehicle. How will Hunter deal with a new baby? How will I? Will I get my HBAC?

If I’m not, why? They CAN NOT answer that question. I’ve been worked up. I’ve been poked and prodded and tested and here’s what we know, or we think we know:
They tried to tell me that I have PCOS but they didn’t put me on metformin. I have more hair then the man in the moon. I don’t have issues getting pregnant. I don’t have acne, lots of hair on my legs or my vajay-jay. So, the only SYMPTOM I have of PCOS is. . .I’m fat. That does not PCOS make.

I don’t have a luteal phase defect. I was on progesterone, I still lost the baby.

The only thing that makes sense is celiac disease. But I still lost this baby. So, really, what would an OB do? Nothing. Nothing except waste my time and emotions.

This past week has been depressing and hard and awesome at the same time.

Somewhere, somehow, Hunter got sick and I got it too, sore throat, cough, snot out the ass gross sickness. I’m being kicked while I’m down. I ask myself why. I ask myself what I did to be put through this. Who did I piss off? Why do people WHO SHOULDN’T have children have them? Why is it so easy for them and so hard for us? So hard for me?

And like every time I lose a baby, there are a hundred women that pop up excited and happy and I . . .I am so fucking jealous.

What if I can’t have any more children? What if the section scar prevents proper implantation? What if my body can’t do it? As my husband would say “I think you have the scariest ‘what if.’” Would I be happy with just Hunter? Of course. He’s given me a reason for living. A reason for being. I was pushed off the edge of a cliff and he brought me back. But I’d really like more. We’d love more. And every time someone says to me ‘oh have mine’ or ‘Ugh, you’re not missing anything.’ Anything like that, I get pissed off.

I get SO pissed off that they have this gift . . .and they want to give it away when I would move heaven and earth to have it.

They don’t realize, they are Indian givers too. 


  1. Sweet Lynn, it's possible your body thought it was ready to build another baby and then realised it wasn't because it's still building the one you have now with the life giving, nourishing breastmilk it makes to comfort him and help him grow. I think your body is adjusting to having had one baby and is working on getting ready to make another. I'm sure the scar won't prevent you from getting pregnant again - maybe this baby was implanting on the scar and had to leave you so you won't have to go through the pain of a section again. Maybe this little one loved you so much that s/he saw the place s/he chose to nuzzle down in your warm womb was not the best spot to take up residence and decided s/he wouldn't make you go through the pain of another difficult birth. Maybe this baby will just come back and try again next month or the month after.

  2. I've worried about my scar as well. It's a question I've had for so long that nobody can answer. My concern about the er thing, and I fully respect your decision not to go, is that I'd want to make sure if you did miscarry that everything has passed. Just my own experience with a hemorrhage during a miscarriage due to tissue being stuck at the opening of my cervix makes me worry about other women. <3

  3. I can't imaging the pain you are feeling. Thank you for being so open about what you are going through. When I hear of things like this happening, I always want to say positive things to make the mum feel better, but that isn't really always a welcomed thing. Sometimes all that is needed is love and support and to let the mum feel and go through her pain.
    I kind of thought the same as Amy, with maybe since your other child is still so young your body wasn't ready to provide for another yet. I may not know you well, but you are in my thoughts.

    Are you wanting to give birth or have more children (regardless of how they are born)? Have you considered a surrogate?

  4. Lynn...there are no words that will ease your ache, no simple sentence that can help, that can make this better. I will not offer you empty words of comfort. You yourself are a Gift, and a blessing. Thank you for sharing yourself with us, despite the pain, the uncertainty. We all love you, and will be here for whatever you need, whenever you need it. All my love. ~Martha

  5. lots of love to you, Lynn!! <3