Ch-ch-changes!

"Flowers begin to bloom, trees begin to leaf. Despite everything, despite the extremes of winter, the extremes of human conflict, spring arrives.

Sit quietly with the rebirth that is happening all around you. Feel that rebirth in your own heart. Each breath is in its way a rebirth. As you breathe in, breathe in the energy of life. As you breathe out, breathe out the energy of life. Life gives life to life, eternally, in endless cycle. There is no stopping life. As you breathe, feel the flow. Ice melting, water flowing, flowers growing."

Yeah, I'm sorry that isn't me. I found that on a meditation website and it made me vomit. The thought that some people have such wonderfully positive lives, that nothing goes wrong for them, that everything is sunshine and roses makes me  just want to stomp all over those tiny unicorns farting rainbows all over the place just because I can. 

*deep cleansing breath* 

Much better. 

Now, I know things are changing. I am embracing that. I know that when you embrace change you grow as a person. You become a better person. I want to be a better person. I really want to see the glass half full. I want to be able to just feel free. Probably will never happen, and not because I'm a realist. I expect the best but plan for the worst. That is my comfort zone. 

Actually, I should correct myself. My comfort zone right now consists of Talenti Ice Cream, Grey's Anatomy and a couch. I've pretty much cut off contact to most people. I know this needs to change. I can't survive alone. I need friends and family and sunshine and lots of things, but I really don't have the patience to answer the question 'why?'

Why didn't you go to the ER?

How can you not know if you're pregnant?

Why didn't you try a different doctor?

Here is my answer: If you're asking those questions, you don't know me. And while I respect everyones concern, asking me why isn't really something I'm ready to read or deal with. 

I found the Venus of Willendorf  and I really enjoyed seeing her as I can relate to her body type. She's big and beautiful and fertile and. . .I can't relate to that right now. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel fertile. I feel . . .like rain. I feel disjointed, chaotic, and I guess that's okay. 

I just have to keep telling myself. . .'no rain, no rainbows.'