The Power Of Nature

So I've been doing the holistic approach hard core on Liam for four days now. He gets up in the morning and has his probiotic smoothie (apples, spinach, kale, grapes, bunch of great stuff) and breakfast then I oil him down with coconut oil! He gets the coconut oil- oiling three times a day and every other day he gets a bath in this soap.  His rash is almost gone.

Let me say that again. ALMOST GONE. Go me. Well, and the person who suggested this course of action (you rock btw!!)

What else is going on? Not much. We're going to our first ever nurse in tomorrow, that apparently I'm organizing, but I've had like no support with it. So. . .yeah.

I have no idea what to do at these things!

Such is life.

Itchy

So Liam has had a rash for two months now. Our Pediatrician can't diagnose it, every pediatrician in the practice can't diagnose it. Our Pediatrician wrote us a script for an antibiotic just because it was on going and I guess she was throwing something at it to see if it helped. She completely understood that we didn't want to do it and wrote a paper script and said 'I'd LIKE you to do this. . .but I know you don't want to. It's up to you' and sent us to a dermatologist.  Lou and I agreed that after the Derm appointment we'd reevaluate the script.

Monday we had the appointment to go to Derm. I was apprehensive. They sent out a packet for us to fill out. Standard forms, then there were question-ares.

"Are you interested in botox?"
"Are you embarrassed about your wrinkles?"
"Would you like to learn about electrolysis and chemical peals?"

I was like. . .are you fucking kidding me?!

I let it go, against better judgement, and we went to the appointment. The Doctor was horrible. He was clearly not good with children. He didn't even know HOW to talk to my son. It infuriated me. He wanted to do a biopsy on him, right then and there, and I asked why. "well I think it's X"

"Is that bad?"
"Well, no. . ."
"Is it treatable?"
"It normally clears up on it's own. . ."
"So, why do you want to put my son in pain?"

He then got loud with me, raised his voice. He yelled at my son THREE times. . .I could go on. I'm not giving this man more of my time, but he was a HORRIBLE doctor. HORRIBLE.

We then went across the hall to our Pediatrician. I get one of the nurses and I fill her in. She agreed with us that they, across the hall, are horrible with kids and we probably shouldn't of gone there. She gave us a number to a pediatric dermatologist and I've made an appointment with them.

We, my husband and I, tried to tell the Horrible Doctor that we were trying to treat Liam's rash holistically with probiotics and tea tree oil and coconut oil. He looked at me like I was insane and said "I'm a scientist. I deal in fact, not voodoo. You have to prove it to me that it works."

. . . .

*gets out voodoo doll*

I Hate These Nights. . . .

I really do.

We still nurse to sleep and Liam is off schedule. It took me two hours to nurse him down. Normally it takes MAX 20 minutes.

This was our 'dance.'

Lay toddler down
Toddler turns away to get up
Lay toddler down, offer breast.
Toddler doesn't see breast, turns away to get up
Lay toddler down offer breast.
toddler nurses.
Toddler pulls off breast and pulls down shirt on other side.
Toddler switches sides and nurses.
Toddler pulls off and goes back to first breast.
Toddler then begins tweaking opposite nipple
Slip nipple back into shirt while toddler is still nursing
Toddler pulls open shirt and wants that nipple.
nurse.

Lather, rinse, repeat for TWO FUCKING HOURS.

And I'm sick.

Live And Let Live

So yesterday we took Liam in to be checked out. He's been feeling poorly for a few days, mild fever, etc. Friday night (into Saturday) was a nightmare. He was up every two hours screaming his head off, probably because of the congestion. He bit me four times while trying to nurse. It wasn't a vicious bite, just enough to upset me. I can only gather that he was nursing and couldn't breathe threw his nose so he held the nipple with his teeth and inhaled and . . .whala.

It was so bad that Lou called then on call Doctor. On call said it was probably just eczema and he'll be fine. I laughed when Lou told me that. I knew it was viral, and you can't do anything for viral. Lou still made an appointment and we went in.

We got there about 10 minutes early, there was one family in front of us. Being that sick visits only happen on Saturdays we kept Liam out of the waiting room. The family in front of us checked in and then we did. Then three other families came in.

We waited. And waited. And waited.

After all the OTHER families were brought back, I asked them if the sickest kids were called first. She got a little defensive and said 'no, in order you came, you're next.' I pointed out to her that we were the second family to arrive and the manner I was checked in and she looked upset. They SHOULD of taken you back already! Well, they didn't. So we waited more.

I started reading the message boards. They said how 'safe' vaccines were, helmets for bike riding, and then I read their 'stance' on car seats. The notice was so riddled with typos that I uploaded it to facebook for people to see.

Sadly, parents look to them for advise in this manner. If it wasn't for the Doctor we love, we would probably leave here too.

Finally we were called back just as I was about to nurse Liam. The lady at the desk asked if we wanted a 'private' area to do that. I laughed and said no. There was a family with an infant coming out and the mother had a big armful of formula samples. The infant was screaming. Daddy was swinging it around trying to calm the babe down in the bucket seat. The mom glared at me as I happily asked Liam to nurse.

We walked back to a room and the FEELING of the place was disturbing to me. Normally I feel fine going to this practice but the air felt . . .heavy.

I pushed off the feeling and we waited in the room.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

Liam played with the lights. With the table, under the table, with the chairs, with books, and then he had it. So then we walked the halls. They didn't seem very busy. There were more people there (working or socializing) then patients. There were kids in a room watching TV and playing video games, I gathered they were the nurses kids? I'm not sure. There was also a woman there in plain clothes carrying around her baby. The baby was drinking cows milk from a package. She looked MAYBE a year old and had her ears pierced.

There was one other family in the room and I could hear the little boy screaming. I felt like I was in some. . .disturbing hospital video.

Finally the Doctor came in, after over an hour of us waiting. And she went right to it. Didn't talk to Liam, didn't introduce herself to Liam she just said 'Mom, hold him while I check him out.'

It happened so fast.

I tried to ask her to slow down, to show him what she was doing, and she just kept doing it. I thought maybe because he was on my lap, so I asked if we could do it on the table. Normally our doctor shows him the stethescope and talks to him, this doctor didn't even ADDRESS my son. I was furious. He was so distressed. Then she wanted me to restrain him so she could get a throat culture. She didn't let him calm down she just kept on with her . . ..poor treatment of him. I didn't know if I should yell at her or just do it so it would just be over with.

After the throat culture, she left. And I kept trying to soothe Liam but he wanted Daddy. Daddy didn't hold him down. Daddy didn't let this woman scare him.

I felt like shit. I still do. I gave in and let some dumb fucktard touch my child.

I know I need to learn from it. But I need to forgive myself first.

We're trying to decide how to complain to the office about her treatment.

Bumpy

So Liam has had a rash since Thursday.  It's really quite fine and raised, but it's everywhere. I wasn't really overly concerned until last night. More symptoms presented (or became more frequent) like a cough and runny nose and he was MISERABLE last night. We slept some sitting upright in the chair, he slept on Daddy, propped up in two boppys, it was insane. And it wasn't the whiney cry, he was shreaking for a bit there.

I buckled and gave him ibupropen, we have dye free, and he seemed slightly better after it, but he was still just unable to get comfortable and settle down. It sucked.

So, Lou called the on call about 6am and talked with the on call doctor. They suggested it was probably excema. Yes, you read that right. Lou told me that and I was beyond pissed off. I laughed a little as well. I got mad because the physician tried to just brush him off. Sitting back, I understand it to an extent. They probably get calls all day from parents wanting their children put on THIS medication or THAT medication. And we really try to avoid medications. The only reason we're taking him in is to make sure things are okay. He's okay and the rash isn't anything to be concerned about.

Logically, he's fine. He is wetting and pooing fine. He's not dehydrated.

Illogically, we just past a year out from CHOP. Liam had a rash just before being admitted to CHOP and it could be I'm being overly protective of him because of that. I know the two instances aren't related, but yeah. That's how I roll. Deal.

So we're off to the doctors today at 1:20. Of course because it's not our regular doctor I'm putting on armor and 'mama bear' brain. I watch unfamiliar doctors like a hawk with my son.

I know Lou wants us to go in because last night sucked so bad, but honestly. . ..those nights sometimes just happen.

Whiplash

So, for the last three weeks I've been experiencing 'phantom smells.' Many people attributed that to pregnancy symptoms, but I've never experienced something like this before.

the best way to describe it is: In absence of real smell I smell smoke.

So I went to our GP today to be checked out and get a referral. I know I blew my physicians head, the PA who talked to me first told him I wanted three referals. I said, that I was going to end up with either a referral to an ENT (Ear Nose and throat) or Neurology and I was asking for a referral to a geneticist.

They laughed at me at first when I asked for the referral to the geneticist, but when I explained everything it made sense to them.

He asked me why I wasn't asking my OB for this referral and I said because I don't have an OB at the moment. When he asked why, I said because I can't find one that I will ethically respect. "Explain." Then I blew his head about circumcision. He said some crap about it being the parents choice. And I fired back with 'it's the parents choice to preform cosmetic surgery?'

He didn't understand.

I don't care.

Then we went on and did a Neruo evaluation and ENT evaluation and talked about the best and worst case possibilities.

Best case, it's just a bad sinus infection (with no other symptoms) worst case it's a tumor. He didn't think it was a aneurysm because I wasn't really having any other symptoms. Fucking lovely thought that is.

So I left laughing about how hard I blew up my physicians mind, he called me forceful (Lou disagreed, Lou said you're informed and you challenge them, it's threatening to them to not be blindly followed. I love that man.)

So on the way home my mind logically went to the scary place. I'm a woman, I own it.

And I thought about what if it was a tumor. Benign? Malignant? Would I consent to chemo? Radiation? Surgery?

And I was.. ...calm.

I was scary calm. Then I started talking to Lou. I asked him if we could have the 'scary' talk. And he said yeah. So we did. I told him, I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid to leave them. And I started to cry. I started worrying about if I did have to do chemo, would Liam take to that? Would I have to forceably wean? Would it be worth it? Would I get sicker for just a few months? This is all hypothetical because, lets face it, I like to have control.

And we talked. and he said 'you'd want to just go to your happy place and enjoy the rest of your life.'

And he's right. I wouldn't want to be sick or poisoned or.. .. all that crap.

And then I laughed and told him that if I did die he had permission to change my facebook status to 'is dead.'

He laughed and said 'Oh, hell no. I'm having fun with that."

"is here! Hell is great!"

"I know I've said things about hell, but it's not that bad! It's a DRY heat!"

"DUDE!! They have strippers down here"

And we laughed. Hard.

I know many might take offence to this. But honestly, if I can't laugh about shit, I'll go nuts.

Trust

It's taken a long time for me to get here.

On some level I have always trusted my body, but recently I found solace? Is that the right word?

I have come to completely trust my body in that it knows what it's doing.

A very close friend of mine is a doula and while she and I have major fundamental differences in our opinions of things, we can respect those differences and we can learn from one another.

I think she very much pushed me to where I am. It wasn't her intention, I'm sure of that, but she did push me here.

She recently helped a mother give birth to a child with anecephily. 

Those of you who don't know, it's a neural tube defect that has a high mortality rate. Only 75% of babies that live to term live threw birth, and of those 75%, I believe the number is 50% live up to one day. Normally they pass on by the tenth day of life.

I can't imagine having a relationship with a child. Bonding with that child only to know that at some point that child will leave. Will die.

This brings me back to trusting birth.

I'm in the process of loosing my eleventh child. As horrific as this is, I trust my body knows what it's doing. I trust my body, I know that something isn't right on a cellular level. I TRUST my body to miscarriage if something isn't right.

Do I want more children? Yes, fuck. Yes. Have I been tested? Yes. Have I played the game? Yes. But I'm trusting my body here. I trust my body because I know it works. I know I have enough progesterone for a healthy pregnancy. I know I produce enough of it.

I know I can carry to term. I KNOW these things. I KNOW my body works. It is at this point EGG or SPERM quality.

There is something wrong with my eggs or my husbands sperm. We need genetic testing to find out more, but I KNOW there is an issue. I TRUST my body to terminate a pregnancy that isn't right! Things didn't line up correctly. My egg wasn't mature enough. What EVER the reason, it didn't work.

This is how I have found solace.

This is how I have come to trust my body. Is this the case for everyone? No. There are women out there with PCOS who have a luteal phase defect and they NEED progesterone. I have a friend who is currently pregnant because she FOUGHT for her baby to stay with her.

No amount of progesterone is going to make my eggs or my husbands sperm better (again I don't know which.) All it would do is sustain the pregnancy. The zygote would get as far as it could get, then it would stop evolving. Organizing. Becoming. And I would have false sense of . . .hope. Progesterone doesn't make one pregnant or help a developing babe. It keeps you from bleeding.

So I trust my body. I trust that it knows that something isn't working right. I have the blood results to show that it produces enough progesterone. This is a deeper issue and I trust my body.

I'm sure in a week or so, I'll be upset. I'll be angry. I'll be hurt that shitty people can get pregnant and keep that pregnancy . . .they hurt their babies. . .they hate their children for ruining their lives. . . .and I'm struggling.

But then I will remember that my body knows what it's doing.